Girl Beta

Before this year; climbing never felt like “my thing”. I always wanted it to be, but the thought of not being good enough always pushed me away. 

Homebase. Photo: Sarah Fisher.

It was midnight when we arrived to the campground. We pitched our tents, grabbed gear, and headed out to the trailhead. I had been awake since 4:30 am and as I walked, the Earth seemed to move with me…or maybe it was just the lack of sleep. I kept tripping on everything on the path: rocks, tree limbs, plants, and of course my own two feet. 

We got to the Orb and discussed the goals for the night. Soap on a Rope, a Rocktown classic, was on everyones mind. In my head, I kept hearing, “What if I’m not good enough?”. It was more than that though.  As our small group huddled around the boulder I felt my heart sink, I could see the beta in my head, but couldn’t get my body to agree. As the only girl at this point of the trip I was frustrated. I know that I am strong, but am I as strong of a climber as Nick? In all honesty, I wasn’t. In the gym I can climb V5’s on a good day, so setting my heart on an outdoor V4-5 was ambitious. 

Brett looked back at me asking if I wanted to give it a go. I hesitate, I wasn’t ready to fail, not this soon into the trip… but I thought… what the hell, might as well. 

4/28 Journal Entry. Photo: Sarah Fisher

I make my way up to the rock, its dry and cool. Bugs everywhere. My Florida skin has chills in the 50 degree temps. I immediately regret only bringing a single sweatshirt. I pull on the start hold and place my feet. I don’t have a headlamp, my shoes are new, I’m exhausted, and the pants Nick let me borrow are too big. Everything is telling me no, but man I want this. 

I look for the tick mark thats been drawn with chalk on the rock. It’s only an arms length away but it feels impossible. As a shorter climber I know that this move would require me to cut feet. This seems so scary to me. I was a cheerleader in college and was used to hitting the ground. This was different. This fall would hurt more than my body, it would hurt my dignity.

The first two moves don’t phase me. I keep going, my eyes are drawn to that mark. I don’t want to be the only one who can’t get past this point. 

I lock off with my left arm and reach as far as I can. I miss it. 

As I’ve grown as a climber I’ve had to learn how to let go. My skills have always been stunted by my own insecurities and fears of failing.

So when we finally made it back to camp at almost 3 am, I took a moment to recollect and set more attainable goals for the next day. For instance, trying to surround myself with people who lift me up and to just relax. I was determined to have a better day on Friday, I didn’t care if I could only climb a V0 at this point.

Avery and Stella had joined us in the morning, which sent my confidence soaring. There’s something about climbing with other women that makes me feel capable. As we hiked back to the Orb to warm up I looked at the two of them and said, “My only goal today is to not trip on the trail, and if I can send even one thing that will be good, too.” 

Capable. Photo: Stella Knehans.

I did send more than one thing, I also tripped on the trail quite a few times (guess I should’ve put money on the latter). Like I had thought the night before, when you’re surrounded by those who lift you up, literally and figuratively, it makes climbing the mountain that much easier. 

I used to look at my struggles in life similarly to rock climbing. Every literal problem was a problem on the side of a mountain. It took a while for me to realize, but if you try and climb up the mountain alone, you won’t make it. Being a woman in a male dominated sport felt that way. I’ve been climbing for six years and have hit a plateau for the last five. It wasn’t until I came to Stone that I saw progress.

Women at Stone like Katie Craver, Meghan Holloway, Jenny Hesoun, and Meghan Johnson have inspired me in different ways. Their styles are all so different, yet they’re all so strong. Until Stone I didn’t have many women climbers to look up to. I always climbed with my guy friends and hoped that their girlfriends would tag along. At some point being “one of the bros” has a fault and unfortunately this was it. I couldn’t be as strong as them unless I worked ten times harder. 

Our last day at Rocktown was filled with laughter, joy, and first experiences for many. With a crew of over 35, and most of them women, it felt like we owned the crag. There was plenty of beta to be shared, along with beer and snacks. Our campsite was like a little town — a true community. I think that’s what drew me into Stone in the first place. I remember my first day in the gym, so eager to get on the wall, but yet so scared. I only knew a few people and was still so unsure of myself. But Eric, our little towns mayor, made me feel at home. 

We embarked on our trek to the trailhead early in the morning. I didn’t know what I was hoping for, I felt like I followed Jenny around like a lost puppy. I worked on whatever she did that day, Mario and The Standard, both V3’s. Watching her and learning as she went made me want to try harder. After one attempt the hopes of starting a send train were high. A line of women formed at each climb we went to, something about girl beta and feminine energy I guess. 

Before joining the Stone Crew I lived in the gym. I’d work from the conference room, I slept in the parking lot, and I climbed almost two times a day. Stone became my second home. Vividly I remember walking in one day and Eric, who at the time didn’t know my dislike of hugs, approached me with open arms saying, “Hey welcome home! We missed you!”. I had been out of town for work for a month and hadn’t seen my Stone family in so long, in that moment I wanted to cry. 

I felt the same way that last day at Rocktown. I wanted to stay up there on that mountain forever.  

— Sar